The Written Works of @$+泰▇鴭

..The Written Works of.. ~@$+泰▇鴭~
No One Cares
I don't go out anymore, it takes all my strength just to open the door. I don't go to sleep anymore, all night long my brain goes clikity, clack, clikity, clack.
Sometimes I feel like my head is spinning as if it were a giant carousel.
Just one more day, I tell myself, just one more time then you're finished. But no, ten more, twenty, it will go one forever.
In my mind, I picture a field of flowers, one of every kind.
If you're falling, falling, falling, will your super hero be there to catch you? Mine won't, he live in a forsaken place where I am no longer allowed.
Thoughts run around in my mind, telling me to do ten different things at once.
I can't compete, I can't keep up, so why should I even try? Nobody's going to care, no one will notice, I won't be missed and I know it.
There has never been anyone to save me, you know and you can't say the same.
I miss the time when people cared, cared enough to notice. But no longer, there is no real caring nor love.
Now even the trees whisper behind my back, thinking that I can't hear what they say.
Sometimes I ask why, why me, what happened that had to make it this way? No one answers, because I'm by myself all alone in this empty body.
That's okay, I won't be seen tomorrow, but no one will notice, no one will care.
My soul has gone, my mind deteriorated, and yet no one cares. I've been left behind, the stars have gone black, no one stops, no one turns back.
And so I sink, sink into the shell I call myself, until I disappear all together, and still no one cares.
-June 1997 �
Trust
Who do you trust when everyone's lied?
Who do you trust when everyone's died?
Who do you trust when everyone's gone?
Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself?
When you've been told a million different things, when your heart's been torn out and tossed aside.
Why do I even try?
I'll sit back and watch the world go by, only to find that there is nothing left for you and I.
My life's a sham, nothing's true.
The only thing I wished for was me and you.
So why do I try?
Why do I go on?
There is nothing left for me here.
I have no one I can trust, no one I can love.
My life's a lie, my life's been fake.
Why, oh God, did you give me this fate?
-April 2, 1998
Save Me
Why do I tear my heart in half?� Why do I let others push me around?� Why can't I just settle down? Don't take me for granted, don't trust what you see, because I'll tear your heart right from your chest.� This soul has left that world of love and there is nothing left.� Life is pain, life is routine, so why can't you take me away?� Death is freedom, death is an adventure, death is life, so why can't you take me away?� Take me away from this charade, give me true life, give me death.� I don't want the pain, I don't want the life.� Save my soul, save my heart, save my life.� Save me from myself, and everyone else.� I don't know what love is and maybe I never will.� I've had my chance and I've thrown it away.� Why can't I just stay?
-March 20, 1998
Untitled
I see you as you see me.� Our eyes connect as we come together.� We kiss and hold each other knowing that we must part, but none wanting to commit the act.� Hoping beyond all hope, that the night will last, last for eternity, not wanting the moment to stop.� But I could never have you, never truly keep you for mine.� For you have given your heart to another, a heart I shall never claim.� You won't let go for better or worse, as a little piece of me remains with you.� You know what you want, but are unable to grasp it for you can barely reach.� I want what you want, but wish what you wanted was me.� A little piece of it shall always be, just not enough to give yourself to me.
-for A.L.V.
-October 1997
I Am
I am the voice in your head.� The voice that turns you on, that voice you see in your dreams, but only hear in your mind.� A ghostly figure hiding in the darkest depths of your soul.� At night I'm hiding under your bed hoping you will meet me there.
I am the love you lost long ago.� That love you thought was pure and true, but broke your heart like all the rest.� Left you to wither alone in despair.
I am the pain in your soul.� That pain from long, long ago when you thought no one else knew what you did, but I was there watching you, following your every move.
I am the hatred in your heart, here to tear you limb from limb just to see you fall apart.
I am all that you wanted to be.
I am what you love in the light of day and fear in the darkness of night.� I see you, but you don't see me, for I am hidden amongst your thoughts and dreams.� Hidden from all in a place you shall never see.
-March 1, 1998
Inside Me
I have a heart like all the rest, yet it has been torn to shreds in flickers of pain.� The day finally came when I collapsed not to know what was left inside.� That's when you came along to show me the way, should I take your hand or should I hesitate?� What in you has earned my trust, why should I allow you to take me away from all this pain?� From all that's real and all that's fake.� Yet you still want to shed light on what I have left inside.� Do you really care or is this a sham?� What makes you think that I am going to trust again?� Is my life worth trying for, or dying for in the darkness of the light.� You showed me Heaven and you showed me Hell, but what makes you think that I am going to trust what is laid here, right before my eyes.� I am as paranoid as all the rest, but they played on my fears and tore out my heart.� You took one look at me and you knew what I felt, but do you really care, do you really love, or is this all just a sham?� What makes you think that I am going to trust again.
-April 29, 1998